The End of Everything

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim,

May this be the last thing I write here in my own blog. 

To recap and remember what and how it started from the beginning. 

I don't want to share where and how we met, just straight to the point. I mean the time we say goodbye to each other. I still vividly remember, I text my little brother name D. I said to him I want to clarify something with KPM. That was after I knew his story from someone which is so dear to me. She said you may engage with someone soon. I was shocked & frustrated when I heard that. 

Can u just imagine when I completely fall in love with you at the very first time on my whole life. I thought you would stay still at the end but suddenly you turned out and leave everything behind without an explanation, but still I have a guts to tell you what I feel about you throughout our friendship in the past.

When D texted me again after a few days, I brave enough to hear from him. You said you treat me only as a friend, not more than that. I broke into pieces when I heard that. I swear, you can never imagine how hurt I am, so much pain during that time. I managed to call my sister Ana, and crying through the phone at night. She was worried and ask me to be very patient and said Allah with me. 

That was the last time I cried like hell. From that accident, I took a years to move on KPM. 1 year is not enough, I still stalk you in FB, WhatsApp like a mad girl. I can said that it took me exactly 3, 4 years to heal from the pain. PAIN but your presence is still there. 

I move on and heal. Years passed, I still remember you text me on November 2020 through WhatsApp status and it all started. 

January 2021, we met again in Penang. I wrote everything in my previous post about what happened during that time. Here, I would like to continue what's the progress after that. 

During our conversation, we likely talk about ourself right? Just I wonder, all the hints you talked to me is that for real or just to test your market? somehow I touched by your words but sometimes I just ignore it. As a growing girl, the pain I felt in the past still linger in my mind. I just cant trust you easily. 

You know why? Because trust is something valuable. Once u broke it, then its so hard for me to accept it easily. Coz you never knew what happened to me when you left me KPM. I never told you about my whereabout. No one knows how hard I had to go through during those times. 

But now, you hurt me again? 

You know why I ignore you that day? 

It because you don't understand ME, a woman. You act like you care, but actually you won't. 

You ask me "Shada tengah bercinta ke sekarang?". While I typing this, I still hurt by your words. 

We've been text each other since January in daily basis, sharing most of my difficult time with you. Do you know what does it mean? When a girl likes you, she will keep you updated, share with you everything. Can't you see it? You know right, I like you but why you said that to me? Are you trying to toy me? Again? One sided? 

I replied to you. "If Shada tengah bercinta dengan orang lain, takdela i nak layan you". That was the last text I send to you. 

And after that, you try to talk to me but sorry I just couldn't feel anything towards you. The pain I felt 4 years ago began to rekindle. I had to stop it, I am not going to allow myself being treated like an idiot with the same person! At that moment, I talk to myself, that's it Shadana. You need to put a stop to this relationship. 

I know you try to talk to me, pujuk me but I just don't care about how you feel. I care more on my feelings. I am so sorry. 

After a week, I try to text you just to say I am sorry for everything and wanted to tell you the whole things but then I realized you blocked me on WhatsApp and Instagram. At first, I cannot believe it but then yes it was real. I am not dreaming, I never cross in my mind that you could act like a cold man. 

And yes you did it, I still text you using my friend's number to let you know I am sorry for everything (I am not sure why I apologize to him since I didn't do anything wrong) but maybe I have a soft heart that's why I did that. yes and that was the last time I text him. 

And now a month passes, I wish nothing but still the best on him. Maybe we are destined to know each other for 5 months period but indeed Allah is the best planner. I don't have any regret knowing you. I admit you are a nice man and may you find your soulmate Insya Allah when the right time comes. 

I will pray for myself too! Thank you Allah for the memories even it is very short one but yeah I feel blessed and happy. 

May all your dreams come true. I just love this song because somehow this songs is so near to me.